What If Your Pain Was Never a Problem to Fix? with Jacqueline Boylan: Episode 401

A child can survive almost anything with one steady, loving adult, but what happens when grief gets punished instead of comforted? I’m Robin Black, and I sit down with registered nurse and author Jacqueline Boland to talk about the two worlds she grew up in: the safety of her great-grandmother’s love, and the chaos of addiction, loss, and a family dynamic that taught her to feel guilty for being sad.

Jacqueline shares the story of losing her mother at seven and her father soon after, then spending years trying to earn warmth from a relative who responded to her grief with anger and emotional abuse. We get honest about what that does to a kid’s self-concept, why you can still love someone who hurts you, and how a single conversation can flip your perspective into shame and self-blame. When Jacqueline finally wrote a letter asking to be seen, the silence that followed pushed her into a mental health crisis and made therapy non-negotiable.

From there, we talk about what real healing looks like: naming emotional invalidation, breaking rumination loops, and learning self-care when caretaking has been your whole identity. Jacqueline explains how therapeutic writing became A Broken Twig Can Sprout, why she created Resiliency Publishing House, and how her nonprofit Help Me Sprout is building tools for kids with adverse childhood experiences, including a young writer's workshop and a vision for a safe community space she calls the Haven. She also opens up about requesting FOIL open records to finally process her mother’s death and the meaning behind her upcoming book, A Piece Of Mama’s Heart.

If you’ve ever carried someone else’s pain, felt blamed for your feelings, or needed the words “it’s not your fault,” this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more listeners can find stories that help them heal.

To reach Jacqueline Boylan - www.resiliencyhouse.org & www.helpmesprout.org

Instagram: @abrokentwigcansprout

Facebook: The Resiliency Publishing House 

©2022-2026 Soul Healer17:77, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Any copying of this poetry and audio in whole or part is prohibited. *I do not own the rights to the royalty free music*

Have a lovely day and stay blessed

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome back, listeners. I'm Robin Black, and this is It's All About Healing Podcast. We have a special guest with us, Ms. Jacqueline Boland. She's a registered nurse as well as an author. She's the author of A Broken Twig in Sprout. Jacqueline will be sharing with us a very heartfelt story of her and her childhood as well. But the part that touched me the most was when she stated that a loved one, when she was feeling grief, felt nothing but anger towards her. And I definitely can't wait to hear this story. Jacqueline, how are you, first of all?

SPEAKER_00 0:34

I'm doing good. I'm very excited to be here with you today.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

No problem. Thank you so much. So tell us a little bit about yourself and how you started on this journey.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Okay. So I'm Jackie. I'm a registered nurse. I had a very interesting childhood where I kind of grew up in two worlds. That's the only way I can explain it. I was primarily raised by my great-grandmother, who was super loving and kind. She was, you know, my lifesaver. But I had this whole other series of things that happened that were very traumatic. Both of my parents were drug addicted. And my mom was murdered when I was seven. Eleven months later, my dad passed away. So that was very difficult. You know, I remember the police coming to my house to tell my grandmother they found her. At first, they didn't know, they were trying to identify her at first. So that was the whole thing. They came and showed my grandma pictures. But I would have to say the hardest thing that I dealt with growing up was having a family member that I love very much and actually still love to this day. Um but who was just very emotionally abusive. And that because my mom passed away, that longing that I had to have a connection with her just made the abuse even worse. She, when I was younger, she was very upset that I was a sad kid, that I was sad, you know, because my I didn't have my mom and my dad. And she would oftentimes get angry when she would say that that I was grieving. So that was very difficult for me growing up.

SPEAKER_01 2:29

Wow. And so how how old were you again?

SPEAKER_00 2:33

I was seven years old when my mom passed, and eight when my dad passed. But actually, when I was six months old, my mom became homeless. So I actually lost my mom in a sense when I was a baby because my grandma took me away from her as a baby. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Okay. So when you were eight, you're still trying to comprehend and grasp everything

Childhood Loss And Two Worlds

SPEAKER_01 3:00

that happened. You're trying to understand your emotions and then understand the emotions that you're feeling from your loved one when it was nothing but anger. So there's just no self-concept as to what's going on.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Exactly. Like, first of all, you know, when I was like five or six, you know, my mom, she was addicted to crack cocaine. So she would come to my grandmother's house and my grandma was very loving. My grandma would always let her come in, take a bath, get something to eat, because she would be so dirty from the streets. So as a five and six year old, I was even just trying to understand that. I was trying to understand, you know, why was she on drugs, why, you know, she would she would, you know, be disoriented or whatever when she would come over. So, you know, there was a lot of things that I was trying to understand that was quite difficult.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

And so, what did you do to cope when you were that age?

unknown 3:55

Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

You're fine. I forgot to put my phone on, so can you repeat the question? Oh, what did you do to try and cope? Like, were did you have someone at that age at that time?

SPEAKER_00 4:10

So this is where it becomes complicated because this family member that that was abusive, you know, I often look to her. Like I remember many times where I just wanted her to hug me. Um, I'll give you an example. I grew up in a project, and one time someone threw a brick through our window. And the brick came through my bedroom window, glass, you know, spread everywhere. And my grandmother called this family member, told her what happened. She came over. And I remember I was really scared, and I, you know, like I was nervous, and the police was there, you know, just the whole situation was nerve-wracking. And I remember I just wanted her to hug me like in that moment. And I remember she was so stern with me, and she's like, Go put your shoes on, we're going outside. You know, like she was so, she was always so stern. And I remember I just wanted just to be loved in that moment. So it was very difficult for me growing up. My grandma, on the other hand, she was very loving, and I think that was my saving grace. But because this family member was younger, I think that was the reason why I looked more for the motherliness in her because she was younger, because she was, you know, on age with my mom. My grandma was my grandma, so you know, grandma, she had grandma's love, but I looked for the motherliness in the other family member, but she was very abusive, so it was difficult.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Wow. So the age difference between the the loved one that you were speaking of that had the anger towards you, what was the age difference from from you two?

SPEAKER_00 5:49

When I was born, she was 25. So we're 25.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Okay, wow. So there's quite a bit of an age gap. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Yeah, so I really looked up to her. I really, and then as I got older, it became more complicated. Like, you know, as I just I remember always just trying to understand why. Like, why is this dynamic like this? Why are you not kind? Like it just it was really difficult to understand.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

And do you have a relationship with them now?

SPEAKER_00 6:22

No. So unfortunately, my grandmother who loved me, she passed away during COVID. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 101. And um what I realized now is that my grandmother, as probably most grandmothers are, was the glue of the family. So when she was alive, it gave us a reason to see each other, so to speak. You know, she would come to grandma's house to I would see her. After my grandmother passed away, you know, uh, I tried to explain to her how she's made me feel all these years. I wrote her letter. And I think in the heart of my heart of hearts, I was, you know, wishing for an apology or some sort of acknowledgement, or I didn't mean it, you know, something. So in response to that letter, she didn't talk to me for two years. And yeah, and during those two years, I like essentially had a mental break. I ended up in the emergency room. You know, I regretted everything that I said, you know, I you know, spent so many hours just saying, thinking. I remember telling the doctor, I think I killed her. Like that that's how strong it impacted me emotionally. I thought maybe my words were too were too strong. And the doctor was like, no, you did not kill her. You know, they I had to have so much therapy to cope with what has happened. And thankfully, you know, I'm now at a level place, but but you know, it did damage me a lot. Like her her not responding to the letter damaged me quite a lot.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

Wow. Yeah, and I'm sure that still you still feel that.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a lot more sunnier days, yeah. Um, but you know, every now and then, like, you know, my grandma was so loving that never in my life could I imagine that I would tell someone you hurt me and they'd not respond. I didn't even think that was an option when I wrote her the letter, because otherwise I wouldn't have written it. When she finally did respond two years later, she said that she didn't know what I was talking about. And essentially, you know, just said like that it was just my perspective, it was in my head. I mean, it was very difficult. And it was at that moment where I realized, okay, we we cannot have a relationship because if you don't know what you did wrong, if you can't acknowledge what you did was wrong, then the abuse cycle is just gonna continue if there's no there's no change. So so we don't have a relationship anymore. That that I get.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Yeah. And one, I definitely have to say it's a blessing that your grandmother lived to be 101. That yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

103. She she got diagnosed with cancer at 101 and she lived for about 18 months. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Oh my goodness, she was 103. Wow. That's definitely, definitely a blessing. Yeah, oh my goodness. So tell us this journey on how you decided that you wanted to be a nurse and becoming a nurse and then writing your book.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

Okay, so I think naturally I'm just very empathic.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

And I think because of all the losses and experiences that I've had, you know, I'm just naturally a caring person. I hate to see people suffering. I understand what it feels like to be in pain just for someone that love you. So nursing just came very naturally to me. When I was in high school, we had a career day, and we had a nurse come to school and say, you know, if you really care about people, you know, you should be a nurse. So she did her job. She got me to be a nurse. After that, I knew I wanted to be a nurse. And so I've been a nurse for about 16 years. I've always wanted to be an author, never thought that it could ever really happen. But now with self-publishing, it's not as difficult as one would think to be a to write a book. And so in my healing journey of after I wrote this letter, you know, to my loved one saying that she hurt me, and then her not responding, it caused the only thing I can explain, it caused like an explosion in my head where I started being filled with guilt and panic and shame and wanted to die, like essentially. And when I ended up in the in the ER, and then you know, they they said you need psych and they, you know, enrolled me in therapy. It was through this journey, you know, with my therapist. She would often give me writing assignments and you know, make me think about what I would like my future to be, you know, she was really, really excellent. That I just started writing this book, when it became a book, essentially in the beginning, it was just a letter. I I was trying to write myself a letter. Like it's crazy. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't a bad kid. That's how it came about. Because to backtrack a little bit in the story, a few years before my grandmother passed, um I'm gonna say a year or two, I had a conversation with this family member in which I also told her, you know, it hurt me that you didn't love me. You know, I felt like you didn't love me. And her response to that was you were supposed to like you, you didn't love me or something like you were supposed to love me, and I tried everything, and you were supposed to

Seeking Comfort From A Stern Adult

SPEAKER_00 12:10

love me. So that conversation again proved very damaging to me because it it it like flipped my perspective of what happened. And so I started thinking about my childhood instead of through my own lens, through her lens. And I started thinking about because she was, I would say, a gift giver, you know. So at Christmas, there was always a lot of toys, you know, birthdays, you know, there was cake, whatever. Um but she was a kind. So I started I started looking at it through her lens, and I started thinking, oh, I'm I must have been a really bad kid. I wasn't appreciate, I didn't appreciate all the things that that she did for me. And so her perspective just led me into this like really bad self-esteem. Like I started really feeling really bad about being sad that I lost my mom and not appreciating that you know I had another family member that bought me gifts, but you know, wasn't loving. And so my brain just got all messed up from this conversation. So when I started therapy, it's like the therapist had to work with me to get my self-esteem back.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:20

And to recognize, you know, it wasn't your fault you lost your mom, and your mom died in such a tragic way. My mom was found actually behind a public school building. I mean, so it was a terrible, terrible situation. But because this family member essentially guilty me for being sad and for crying, you know, for not being happy at the birthday cake or whatever, you know, that she did for me, it created this guilt that was just really hard to get out of. And every now and then it still tries to sneak up, but I'm doing much better with it. Yeah. But once the therapist worked with me, I thought, man, how can somebody convince a kid that it was their fault that they were sad? You know, like once once everything started to get more clear to me, I realized how much that didn't make sense.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

So I decided to write this letter because or this book, because I thought, man, there's there's so many kids out there that are dealing with this type of psychological, emotional abuse being made to feel guilty that maybe, you know, they've been through bad things, but maybe the adults around them are telling them. Because that was something I heard a lot growing up. Oh, we could have put you in foster care. You know, we you could have like your life could have been so much worse. And I remember the very first time I went to therapy, the therapist told me your pain essentially is because nobody acknowledged you. Right.

unknown 14:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Nobody ever acknowledged that you were sad because you lost your mom.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

And then the sad part about it is a lot of this suffering that I've experienced could have been avoided if you know people just took the time to say, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry that you're sad. Like a lot of the this uh like turmoil in the family and the fighting, all these things could have been avoided if there was just an acknowledgement of you know feelings.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yeah, no, you're a very strong woman, and healing is far from linear. So yeah, I'm sure you still definitely kind of have your ups and you have your downs with it, but overall it's very powerful. But as far as creating this this book or writing this book and also being a caretaker or caregiver to others and being a nurse, I'm sure that helps you heal as well, right? You find that kind of therapeutic in a way.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

So it's interesting that you say that because you know, I was my grandmother took me when I was six months old, and I lived with her my whole entire life until I was 36. So she took care of me as a baby. I took care of her at her old age. And um, I say that to say I didn't know a life out of caretaking, you know, my adult life is caretaking. And so one of the things that was very difficult in therapy was the therapist wanted me to learn how to take care of myself, how to care for me. And it was like such a foreign concept because I'm a nurse, you know, at work, I'm a caretaker at home. Yeah, and now you're telling me to take care of me. Like I don't even know what that means. I don't know how to take care. And then also with my other family member, the family member that was abusive, as I got older, I started to recognize okay, she has some emotional issues. And so there also was a part of me that wanted to take care of her too. Because I realized that she was very fragile. And the reason why she responded to me the way that she did was because she's very fragile inside. And so there's like this part of me that wants to take care of everybody, everybody, everybody. And it was very difficult to be able to take care of myself. It still is, I still struggle with self-care. But I'm trying, I'm trying to get better at it. And the the book was so therapeutic in that sense because for the first time it let me sit down with little Jackie and kind of talk to little Jackie and tell her it's not your fault what happened to you. It's not your fault how you responded to, because I had a lot of guilt about that. Oh, if only I knew. As an adult, and I understand the person who abused me has some issues. I didn't know that as a kid. So sometimes I would be mad at myself, like, oh, if if only you knew, you know, then you would have responded differently to her.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

But, you know, doctor helped me to appreciate it wasn't your job to be responsible for her emotions, especially as a child, as an adult, but especially as a child.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

And Jackie, because you you gift yourself to so many people, what do you do to gift to yourself?

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Um so I'm still writing. So I I, you know, developed this self-publishing house. And uh, I don't know, there's something just so therapeutic about like these books that I'm writing, just to kind of acknowledge my own pain. And then also I've learned I've had to learn how to do basic things, like, you know, I I'm a gift giver naturally too. So I will spend my money to take somebody to lunch. Or, you know, I've had to learn how to like, okay, you know, go get your nails done. Like, like it doesn't, it doesn't come naturally to me to treat myself. It comes naturally to treat others. So I've had

The Letter That Triggered A Crisis

SPEAKER_00 19:00

to kind of learn how to do those things, taking care of my physical health, my health decline after my grandmother passed. And apparently that's kind of common with caretakers because you know you're so busy, busy, busy taking care of others and not, you know, nurturing your own body. And after she passed away, I had to have surgery. Like it was like a whole thing that I never had surgery in my life until she passed. And so trying to do better with you know, also taking care of my physical health too. Yeah. And uh trying to make time for exercise, just the basic things that also lifts your spirit, right? Doing exercise and getting those good endorsements.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Yeah, I need to get back on that myself.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

It's very helpful for your mood. It's very helpful, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

So, and then you said the publishing house. So, tell us a little bit about that and what you're doing with that currently.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

So it's interesting because when I started writing this book, I told my best friend, she was like, Oh, that's so cool. And then she decided to write a book, she wrote a book, and then so we're kind of like encouraging each other. So she helped me to learn that you know, when you become when you're an indie author and you make your own books that you can develop your own publishing name. So I picked the name the Resiliency Publishing House because my goal basically is like in the in these books that I write, to be able to relate to other children who have these experiences and who don't feel seen. Yeah. You know, one thing that I've learned is that I was fortunate enough to have a grandmother who kind of rolled those ways with me. But a lot of children don't have that. And I just I just can't imagine going through what I went through without some type of support. And another thing that I realized is sometimes I'll try to explain to people how I feel and they just they can't understand, right? Because they they grew up with the parents, they you know, or you know, or they at least they had their mom. So I realized that my situation has given me a unique opportunity to identify with other kids who have, you know, this loss. My my second book is almost done. And that one is dedicated to my mom. And that one is about having a parent that has substance abuse disorder. And it's it's been so therapeutic because like another thing that happened in therapy that I didn't realize was, you know, we had we had to go all the way back till I was seven to recognize where this pain was coming from. Like, even the pain that I have with my other family member is related to like me not having my mom. I mean, like it's so it's all connected. And so for the first time, been able to actually like process my mom's passing and it's been like 30 years and it's it's crazy and so writing a second book about dedicated to her has been so like wonderful yeah bringing that memory yeah yeah it's also been kind of it's interesting though with these topics because I love my mom like one thing I can say about my mom despite her being addicted to drugs is like she never she never was mean to me like she never treated me bad you know the other family member may not have been addicted to anything but she was she wasn't kind right so so I remember I have this contrast of the two and so writing a second book was a little challenging because it's like at the same time I don't want to glorify you know the life that she had as a drug addict but at the same time it's like she was a person who she was a real person who had struggles who had a heart you know despite being a drug addict so the second book was a little bit challenging but I think I was able to accomplish what I wanted yeah that's good and what's the name of your publishing house again the Resiliency Publishing House the Resiliency.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

So what exactly does that mean does that mean if somebody wants to publish their book they can go through you?

SPEAKER_00 23:32

No no so it's it's self-publishing so all the books that I am releasing are essentially made by me but I'm actually working on a project right now I also started a nonprofit it's called Help Me Sprout after the book and the purpose of a nonprofit is to reach other kids who had adverse childhood experiences to help them to develop the skills of how to be resilient because essentially when you have this type of trauma in your life your life could go left or right depending on what factors we have around you. And so my goal is to help other children to grow resilient and next summer I'm doing a young writer's workshop. I'm really excited about that. And so I'm gonna have some kids help them to see you know how writing could be a form of therapy you know how using your voice and telling your story can help you to grow is to be resilient.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

And so I look forward to that yeah and so you the name of your book is a broken twig can sprout and that's just based on childhood trauma childhood greatness.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

There's the whole story behind that so when I was in therapy at the same time that I was in therapy my friend was I have a friend that's all into plants like her whole department is green. And so I went to her house one day and she was showing me a plant and she was showing me how to propagate plants. And so basically she showed me how you know you basically take a piece of the plant once you take that piece and you put it in the right environment it will grow into like the whole tree whatever. So I was just like so amazed by that like you take a little piece and it'll grow and so at the same time I was having therapy my therapist I remember having this conversation with her where I told her I just feel so broken inside like but it was weird because as broken as I felt I could still feel a little piece of me was still there a little piece of old Jackie and she told me if you feel that you can make that grow yeah yeah and so between those two experiences I decided to name the book a broken cookie is proud yeah I love that that is powerful that is very very sweet I like that she said that yeah yeah it and it it was so encouraging to me because I remember thinking when I was having panic and in the ER it had to be medicated like all this stuff I was like oh my god my life is over like that's how I felt I just like and I was so sad you know because you gotta have all these dreams and aspirations and and I was like I'm done right and so when she said that you know we can get you healthy again we could we can help you to grow it it was like so inspiring to me so so yeah I'm so appreciative like she really helped me reprogram my mind from negative to positive I love that and when is your your new book due to release October 15th of of this year oh okay well congratulations I'm so excited to be able to I don't know my mom she when she passed

Caretaking Identity And Learning Self-Care

SPEAKER_00 27:10

away my family didn't do a funeral oh wow um yeah they didn't do a funeral my grandma was like so old school she was like she a drug addict ain't nobody coming to this ain't nobody coming to this funeral my grandma was very funny like she would make the most serious stuff you know she'll make light of it right so they didn't do one you know and it and it didn't bother me growing up but now that I'm older it's like I never got to say goodbye to my mom like I never like had anything to like remember her and so the book has her picture her photo and um a couple of photos of her actually so it almost was like a memorial for her or something I don't know yeah so I just look forward to releasing it so much and like she doesn't have a a grave a tombstone like so I don't know it just means so much to me to have something with her physical name and yeah you know her story and I'm so happy to do that for her. Yeah that's beautiful and what is the name that book that's gonna be released the name of it yeah a piece of mama's heart that is so sorry that is that's gonna be beautiful yeah so the book essentially is about how even though you might be separated from your mom or not have had your mom you know you always have a piece of her heart with you so yeah that is a lot of people are gonna be able to really learn and enjoy that book that you're gonna touch with that book absolutely I hope so yeah but and I want to say you know this year since my grandmother passed away there's been so much self-exploration because I wrote I didn't know that you could do this but I wrote to the city medical examiner and also New York City Police Department FOIL records and they sent me all of my mom's records and so for the first time I'm able to sit down and see and read because of course my grandma told me what happened but to actually be able to read the police report the autopsy report and all these things it was I don't know it was I don't know it was surreal. So I really feel like for the first time I'm really you know grieving her absolutely and you said the FOIL report what does that mean? So FOIL I forgot what the acronym stands for exactly but it's basically you have access to open records. Okay. Yeah so it's like open records that you have access to if you if you request it and they just redact you know certain like the person who took my my mom to life they they redacted his date of birth and all that address and all that stuff but the what happened to her is there so so yeah I I'm very I'm very appreciative to them like they don't even know like to the police department to the city medical exam I'm very appreciative that they they sent those things to me.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

Yeah everything's about timing so I love that that's that's that's very huge. So what what exactly just are you doing now that just still helps you heal what am I doing now that's a good question.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

I mean so one thing my therapist helped me to appreciate which I feel like is very important is to move forward. Yeah because I when I was really wasn't doing well I had the problem with ruminating so I would literally just sit by my window and like my brain would just kind of replay the things that happened with my relative my grandma passing away and it it it kept me like frozen like it kept me like stuck and I and I couldn't move forward. And so you know eventually she kind of graduated me from therapy and I was really sad about that I was very sad about that. I see her only as on a need like a PR and a need basis. But she said there's no need for you to come regularly every week it's time for you to like to live your life first you know like I said I was little mad but I see I see the truth in what what she's saying. So I enrolled in grad school yeah I run in grad school and like I said it's been 16 years since I graduated from undergrad school and I I never like taking care of my grandma and stuff I never thought about I never thought about going back to school you know and so now I'm in a doctorate program and so so that's very exciting and you know now I keep myself busy with the nonprofit and and the writing and I have really good friends. Yeah you know one of the one of the one of the things of the book also I broken Twitter sprawl is that you might not have you know the person that you want right your immediate family to give you that love and support. But there are other people there that are cheering for you you know so I try to shift my focus and pay attention to the ones who are always who have always been there who have always been there watching me cry and listening to me and never getting tired. And a lot of prayer a lot of that always yeah there was nights when I was I was sitting here by the window literally on my knees and crying like I thought I was gonna die like just please don't let me die I remember just praying like please like I just want to live I want to give my life to you like so I would definitely have to say that keeps me going yeah oh my goodness I love hearing that and Jackie tell the viewers

Writing As Therapy And Building Resiliency

SPEAKER_00 33:10

what is the name of your websites so the for the books is resiliencyhouse.org resiliency could be a little tricky to spell but resiliencyhouse.org and then the nonprofit is helpmesprout.org helpmesprout.org yeah okay I'm also gonna list list those in the show notes as well but is there anything else that you wanted to add um so right now something that my brain so I'm I'm so excited because when you have traumatic experiences it like I said it could freeze you right and so now that I'm kind of like unfrozen you know my brain is constantly thinking of new ideas and new things to do and how to help the kids and you know how to move forward. And so recently you know I came up with this idea of the haven and what the haven is essentially will be a community space where kids will be able to come to After School on the weekend. I wanted to create a safe place where they could go if they don't have a supportive family you know if they don't have support at home oftentimes what what I've kind of realized in my life what has been a theme of my life is if you have the right support you will be okay. Yeah that literally makes all the difference like besides my grandmother I had I I've always had teachers that you know were cheering for me and nursing schools and things my program she she was so good to me. And then even at my job you know when my grandmother passed away you know I got a at the same time I got a new manager and my manager had just lost her mom I think maybe like two years before my grandma passed away. So she was really able to help me through the grief process. Yeah I mean like I don't even know where I would be without her support. And so this theme of my life of others helping me sprout you know I kind of want to pay forward because you know having those healthy relationships really make all the difference. And so I say that to say I'm trying to create the space the haven you know a place where kids can come after school and I want to invite others in the community to volunteer to particularly older ones is because I live with my grandmother I have really a soft spot for the older ones and the wisdom that they could give you and that the grounding really that they could give you a lot of times I think the reason why some of this stuff from my family member didn't really affect me so much when she was alive was my grandmother would be like oh who cares what she said you know she really kept me like grounded and so I want to create the space for maybe the older ones in the community to come and purchase the the littles and so that's the project that I'm working on right now. And it it will be you know a part of the nonprofit. So anybody who's interested is free to donate you know at helpmesprout.org or resiliencyhouse.org also has a donate button okay and then also where exactly are you located if you're in I'm in Long Island City Queens and so yeah yeah and so I'm looking into some spaces that are right in this area. Yeah nice okay and if there was a piece of information or any type of advice that you could give what would it be my favorite thing to tell people now is it's not your fault because I carry I really carry that like I really carry that and I think one reason why I carry that was because I'm emotionally intelligent and so because I'm emotionally intelligent I have so much empathy and sympathy and I feel for no I feel for everyone essentially right but when you're a big failure like that and you you could take on other people's problems and their pain and you know to anyone who who was not treated well as a child like it wasn't your job to take care of them. It wasn't your job to as a kid to always be good so they could treat you right like so yeah so just know that you are loved and you didn't do anything ever to be mistreated but be a child like you didn't do anything wrong so that's kind of my message to people yeah I love that and then just you said did you take on people's

The Haven Idea And Not Your Fault

SPEAKER_00 38:00

pain yeah like so this family member that you know was abusive to me like I said when we had that conversation and she said well I was sad because you didn't love me you know I was like you know like I was like oh my god you know I didn't I didn't make her feel love my brain was like so messed up that you really had to work with me in therapy too like but it wasn't your job to love her yeah if anything it was quite the opposite it was her job to make you feel loved and nurtured and cared for yeah and so it just really messed up my brain because then I thought well she was affected by my mom's death too you know it just my brain was messed up and so I had to learn not to carry other other people's pain like she may have been affected by my mother's passing but it didn't give her an excuse to mistreat me.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

Yeah that's and I feel that a lot of people who experience a lot of pain especially childhood pain they become absorbers of other people's pain instead of observing right it's like we can hear it observe it but we absorb it and I think that's the part that it just takes lifelong healing to not take it on and just carry it and carry other people's pain.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

Right. Because it's like in a way you kind of wish if you could fix them then maybe they would have been fine to you but but that's where it's not your fault comes in. Yeah I love that it's not your fault. Yeah it took so much therapy like I'm just very grateful to I'm definitely team therapy now like my because you know when I was younger you know people have recommended therapy before as a young adult and I was like oh no you know you know I thought like it meant I wasn't well or wasn't but no like it was very much needed to help me the process things that have happened. Good yeah my friend said you made me a believer yes I was so I was so mentally unwell and then once I was able to get through it they're like wow you made me a believer in therapy yeah yeah I love that and is your therapy in person or is it online? So it happened during my grandma passed during COVID so all the therapy was on online television.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

Okay yeah that's good it's still the end of the day it's still help so any way that you can grasp that therapy yeah it's all gonna help I'm so and I thank them at the back of the book because I just would not have I know that I would not have survived if I didn't get help. So I think my therapist at the back of the a broken toy cat's rock I would not have survived yeah that is good well thank you so much Jackie for taking time out and coming on and speaking with me today. Thank you I really enjoy our conversation no problem at all and thank you listeners again I'm Robin Black and this is it's all about healing podcast everyone stay blessed