Know Your Capacity, with Tammy Nicole: Episode 397

If you’ve ever looked around at your own life and thought, “I have everything I’m supposed to want… so why do I still feel empty?” this conversation will hit home. I’m Robin Black, and I’m joined by coach and clinical therapist Tammy Nicole for a real talk about self-discovery, emotional wellness, and what it takes to stop living on autopilot. Tammy shares how her own divorce became a turning point, not just an ending, and why so many women lose themselves while chasing the version of success that society rewards. 

We dig into the practical tools that create change, starting with journaling for self-awareness and clarity. Tammy explains why “once you see what you write down, you can’t unsee it,” and how that one habit can expose people pleasing, emotional triggers, and the stories we make up when we’re not grounded in who we are. We also unpack the difference between what you do and who you are, why “I match energy” can be a trap, and how to protect your peace by learning to observe without absorbing. 

We also talk boundaries and burnout, including Tammy’s straight-to-the-point reminder that “no is a sentence,” and her take on capacity as a limit, not “until it’s done.” Plus, we get into parenting teens and younger women who are trying to figure themselves out earlier, with guidance on resisting peer pressure and social media comparison by asking better questions and practicing real independence. 

If you’re ready to build a self-love blueprint and start becoming the emotionally available woman you want to be, press play, share this with a friend who needs it, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next. After you listen, will you leave a review and tell us the biggest truth you’re taking with you?

©2022-2026 Soul Healer17:77, LLC. All Rights Reserved. Any copying of this poetry and audio in whole or part is prohibited. *I do not own the rights to the royalty free music*

Have a lovely day and stay blessed

Transcript

Welcome And Meet Tammy Nicole

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome back, listeners. I'm Robin Black, and this is It's All About Healing Podcast. Today we have a very special guest, Miss Tammy Nicole. She is a coach. She loves or she is helping women get back to themselves and even the women who feel like they have everything and yet still miserable. So, Miss Tammy, how are you?

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I'm good, Robin. I'm so excited to be here. It's been a nice little banter before getting started. So I love that. I love when energy can be exchanged.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Yes, I can tell you're comical. So I'm man.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

I don't know about that one. I don't know about that one. That's called the naturalness. You know, my people tell me I just have a way with the words. You just don't never know what's coming out. You just gotta roll with the flow.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

I get

Divorce As A Door To Self

SPEAKER_01 0:54

it. So, Tammy, so tell us a little bit about what you do and what got you into coaching women.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

So I started coaching women when I myself went through a divorce. So I'm gonna back it up a smidget. I am clinical. So literally, I've been a therapist for 22 years. And so I've had the mental health side all this time. And like I always tell everybody, every therapist needs a therapist. Don't if you get one and ain't got one, leave quick, fast, run, find the nearest exit. Because having the ability to actually work with people on the regular basis and not have an outlet for yourself is bonanzas. Okay. So if you find one, it don't say they got a therapist. That's like number one question. I just got a question. Do you have a therapist? Yes. If their answer is no, or if their answer is, I understand that you're wondering if I'm taking care of my own health. Yes, I am. Because if you're not taking care of you, there's no way you can take care of me. That should be your response every time. Anywho, being a therapist and going through my own life, you know, we're human, so things happen. I went through a divorce, and in that divorce, I was discovering myself. You know, I always tell people I got a divorce because I discovered me. And when you get married sometimes and you're marrying young and you're not knowing who you are fully, you get into that marriage, you start discovering like this, this ain't what I signed up for. You know, you hear that phrase quite often, and a lot of times it's always like finger pointing at the other person. And a lot of times we need to take time to sit with ourselves and see, like, wait, why did I sign up for this?

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

What was going on within me in the moment that I signed up for something that just isn't working? And so you start doing your own deep dive into you. And when you discover that you and that individual do not align, it's like, oh, wait, yeah, no, I'm not gonna sit through this. And so when I did that and I started doing the work for me, I discovered that you know what, it's too many of us out here that don't understand who the heck we are. Right, we're just out here living, you know, we're creatures of habit, we get into a routine, and it's just we're just going, yeah, you know, every day, and and we're comfortable and familiarity and things that just feel normal, we kind of stay in them.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Right, absolutely. And then I feel like we're also just in that autopilot, we're just kind of like going with the motions. Sure, I don't really like my life, but it's not this is the end all be all. This is just what it is.

SPEAKER_00 3:32

That part, and then it's like, yo, when you do all of those things, what are you really getting out of it? Right? Like, we're supposed to be enjoying life, we're not just supposed to be existing in it, right? And most of us are just existing. I'll never forget back in the day I had a job working with foster care and things of that nature. And the supervisor there, she used to ask the question before a meeting, you know, do you eat to live or are you living to eat? And you know, you think you hear that question, it's like, what you mean? Like, I gotta eat in order to like I can't live if I don't eat, you know, and her whole point was basically boiled down to are you existing in life? Are you enjoying it? You know what I mean? Like if you were eating to live, it's like I'm just eating because I gotta live, right? But if I'm living to eat, that means I'm enjoying every moment of it. I'm going to get all the exotic food. I'm like, hey girl, hey, yeah. So what's going on on that on that plate over there? Like with when you're in a restaurant and the plates are coming through, and you've never been to the restaurant before, you're like, oh, I don't know what to order. And then you see somebody else play, you'll be like, Oh, that look good. Yeah, that doesn't look good. That's that's how you're supposed to be living life. Yeah, okay. You need to be saying, Oh, that look good about your life, not somebody else's, right? Right, absolutely. That's what we have been doing for so long. We look at other people's plates, yeah, and we say, Oh, that look good. Yes, and we don't have nothing on our plate in front of us, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

So that just that specifically, like just saying that, especially with all these reality TV shows, celebrity this, celebrity that, all the married at first, all these people are living their lives vicariously through other people. So then they feel that those are their markers of success. Like, if I don't have this, then I and that just must mean I don't have anything. So, how do you help those women who kind of are just focused on the technique and what they're seeing and not

Journaling To See Yourself Clearly

SPEAKER_01 5:49

themselves?

SPEAKER_00 5:49

Well, we got to get focused on us at 100%. The goal is to get focused on you. I literally, the first thing first, if you can't even join my program if you're not willing to journal, like you must journal. Journaling is the tool that actually helps you get to the next level. And everybody asks me, why, why, why, why? Because once you see what you write down, you can't unsee it. Once you see yourself, you cannot unsee it. You know, you can try to avoid it, right? But you can't unsee it. And so the goal is for you to see you.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Right. Oh, and like that. So Tammy, walk us through the process. What are what are the steps to your sessions?

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Oh, so my coaching program is called Becoming Her, right? The emotionally available woman that I want to become. And basically, it's six modules more than six things, but there's six modules. So you go through a six-week program, total eight weeks is the actual group program, is eight weeks long. The last two weeks is implementation. So I don't, you don't get to just do the work and then be like, oh, I've done the work and I'm kind of done. No, I need to see what's happening.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

You know, okay. Like we then went through these six weeks of real teaching, real lessons. Now these two weeks, let's see what how you can put them into practice. What are we doing? And then, of course, I also offer what we call a membership program that once you're like done, you're like, no, I kind of still want to come see you a little bit, like at least every week. Okay, cool. You can you know buy into the membership this monthly and still come to the weekly coaching that I do, but it is really built to help you navigate self-awareness to clarity, right? Becoming self-aware as far as who am I right now, and then clear on who you really want to be.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Right, absolutely. Oh, that's that's really good. Because that I can see where there's not a lot of clarity on where we're oh man, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:01

That's what we we are full of unclear people, yes, full

Who Are You Beyond Your Roles

SPEAKER_00 8:06

of it. I mean, like the number one question I like to ask people off the rip is who are you? Right? If I asked you, Robin, right now, who are you? How would you answer that?

SPEAKER_01 8:18

I don't know that I don't I don't have to really think about it.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

See, that's that's where we mess up right there. We gotta know who together. We gotta know that's the one question that should never get you know tripped up on. You go to a job interview and they say, tell me about yourself. Right now, granted, we've been conditioned in a job interview to tell me about yourself means to tell you the things that's typically work related, right? Like the things that you have done that's not on this resume. Right. But who are you? It's not your titles, right? When I say who are you, I'm not expecting you to say, Oh, I'm Robin, I'm a woman, I um I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a sister. Right. I'm a podcast host. Like, I'm not looking for you to tell me that. I'm looking for you to say, okay, I'm Robin. You can make you can say I'm a woman, right? I'm a woman who's passionate about what?

SPEAKER_01 9:19

I'm I'm actually passionate about helping others.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Okay, so I'm a woman who's passionate about helping others. I enjoy taking walks in the park. That's who I am.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Right. But being a mama, being somebody's sister, you know, being a podcast host, those are things that you do. And and the question is not what do you do, the question is who are you?

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Right, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

And the essence of who you are shows in what you in how you interact and connect with the world on the on a daily basis, it's not just what you do for everybody else.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

And Tammy, can't ask are you happy?

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Oh, girl, all day. Oh girl, all day. Do I have sad moments? Absolutely. Do I get mad? Do I get frustrated? Do I get overwhelmed? Absolutely. But my happiness rests in me. It don't rest in other people. Right. I don't look for other people to make me happy. I choose to be happy. Emotions are choices and messages for what's happening in your world.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Yes. Oh my gosh, I love that you said that because I know I hear a lot of people say, I match energy. And that always it just made me feel like, why do you allow someone else to bring you to where they are? You know what I mean? You should always stay where you are. If you're happy, be happy. No matter if you walk into a room full of people who aren't happy or have a bad attitude. It's like, what do you do to not absorb? You can observe, but not absorb. So what do you do personally?

SPEAKER_00 10:53

It's a choice at 100%. Everything is a choice. I think a lot of times we have equated things to be like automatic.

SPEAKER_03 11:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

When reality is it's a choice. You know, I have kids, right? I have a they both teenagers. My daughter, she'll be 14 next month. And when things don't go her way and she's catching an attitude about something, I say, hey, that's a choice.

unknown 11:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

You don't have to be mad about that. Why are we being mad about that? What's the point of being mad about that? How is being mad about that serving you? Putting all those questions in her mind makes her think, like, wait, why am I choosing this? What about it is going to make me happy? Or what about it is going to change the outcome of what's going on right now? We choose to allow people to make us feel a certain way.

SPEAKER_03 11:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Every day. It doesn't even matter. And the other part of us not knowing who we are, we are reactors versus responders. We don't learn to respond to things. And that's why we're not active listeners. We don't really pay attention to people. We listen to respond. It's like, what's she about to say? So I can get I oh, let me let me get an answer already ready. And then you hear the whole context of a question. So you answer it in the wrong way, or you only answer part of it, and you have people sitting back, but that's not the point that I was trying to make. Why did they answer that like that? Right. So now you contemplating on why they sit, and now the whole conversation is lost in the sauce.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

Yeah, that because then you're just constantly replaying it, rethinking it, just like I'm kind of doing right now, and some rethinking that question that you asked me. Like, why didn't I? I had this, and I was like, Why didn't I do that? But yes, I definitely, I definitely get what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

So I make a choice at a hundred percent. It's it because that's what it is. Like you choose to love, you choose to dislike, you choose to like people. You know, you think about meeting a stranger, right? We just met today. I can choose to like you, right? Or I could choose to say, she stuck up, she thinks she looks good, her hair in these cute little braids, and I could choose all of these things. Uh-huh. And most of the time, what we're doing is creating storylines that don't exist right because we don't live in the moment, we create them right without them actually walking out in reality, and so that becomes a problem, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Absolutely.

Having It All But Feeling Empty

SPEAKER_01 13:19

So, for I know before we got on here, you were speaking about the the women that have everything but are still miserable. Kind of elaborate a little bit on that.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Oh, so a lot of times what happens is you think about it being a kid growing up, you get to a teenage, you decide to take a career that makes money, right? Your focus is I got to get the career that makes money. So you go after that, you're striving to win the life that you really want. You get the friends, you go network, you're getting all the things. But all of those things are actually being got because other people said that they were required, a requirement for you, right? It's like this is what you want to have. You want to be able to drive the luxury car, you want to live in the nice neighborhood, you want to be able to date the fine man, is you know, wearing a three-piece suit to work every day. Like that's the life you want to live. And what happens is that's what you gravitate for, that's what you go after. It may not be what you really want, right? But it's what society says we need.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Right? You you ain't doing nothing if you ain't got that. You ain't doing nothing if you ain't got the Mercedes outside. You ain't doing nothing if your wrists don't have a Cartier, you know, band on. Like you're not doing anything. So what we do, we go after those things, but we didn't really want those things for real. And we were doing it for other people.

SPEAKER_03 14:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

And now we've reached the point of like, I got it now. What? I got it now. What? I'm not happy. I'm I'm I'm crying myself to sleep every night.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

But I got it. I can go downstairs, I can get into that Mercedes. I can call my maid up and say, Hey, I need you to clean the house tomorrow. I can, you know, call up the travel agent and say, hey, book us a flight. We we out of here next. Like I could do that. But something inside of me is still not fulfilled, it's still not happy because I'm doing things based upon what other people wanted me to do. It's not what I wanted to do. And I've done this for so long, I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I just know that what I'm doing is not it.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

It's not it. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 15:28

Yeah. And that's why they got it all and miserable.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Right. That makes sense.

Boundaries And Knowing Your Capacity

SPEAKER_01 15:36

So, Tammy, I know you said that every therapist has a therapist. So with you and you're you're helping so many people, what do you do to kind of come back to yourself?

SPEAKER_00 15:48

So I don't lose myself in the process. That's number one. So I don't really have to quote unquote come back to myself. I stay with myself and I teach women to do the same, right? Because I can't take on your problems. I can just help you see yours in order for you to work through them yourself. Your problem is yours.

SPEAKER_03 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

That's yours, boo.

SPEAKER_03 16:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

I'm not I here to take your problem from you. I'm here for you to get your eyes open to be exposed to say, you know what? Maybe I don't need to be doing it that way anyway. Right. But I'm not here to take it from you. So as far as I don't have to come back to me, I stay with me, but I do go to therapy. I still have a therapist. I still, you know, be able to like release the things that actually come from the people. I am a natural helper, right? But I had to learn my own boundaries. A part of knowing who you are is to know your capacity, right? It's to know how to navigate your limits.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Yes. I like that. Knowing who you are is to know your capacity. That is that is huge because a lot of people don't understand that.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

So I get that right. That's why we burnt out as women.

SPEAKER_01 17:04

Yes. Good one. Definitely, especially women and mothers at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

Because man, because oh, go ahead. We don't know our capacity. And we think the capacity is when it's done, and that's not the capacity. No, it definitely is not. Can you elaborate a little bit more on that? So your capacity is what you can handle, right? You are not to stretch your handle just because other people need you.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Right. And what I'm saying is like you said to know our capacity, our capacity isn't when it's done.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

That is where I was saying if we can elaborate on that, because oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Because when you're done, right? So a lot of us think that I get stressed until I'm stretched until I finished, right? But the capacity could be this bottle, right? You get a bottle of anything, bottle of water, a bottle for your hair products, right? That's the capacity of that bottle. Right. When you are pouring, your capacity may be I can't pour this whole thing out in this one setting.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Okay. You are not in the same amount of space as that bottle. That bottle, that's its capacity. Your pouring is how long can I hold my hand up and turn this bottle to the side?

SPEAKER_03 18:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

Right? How long is it am I gonna be able to hold it before this thumb of mine gets tired? Yeah. If I'm pushing until I'm done, that thumb may not work tomorrow because it's sore, it's out of you didn't overwork it. Absolutely. Right? But your so is your capacity, is not when it's done. Your capacity is what your limit is. Like if my limit is 30 minutes, if I can only sit and talk to you for 30 minutes and you have a podcast for an hour, at 30 minutes, I'm done. Right. Yeah, I'm gonna need you to finish the rest of your podcast for by yourself for the next 30 minutes. Right, absolutely. Like, because that's what my capacity is. But if you don't know that, right, number one, I wouldn't have signed up for your for your podcast. That's an hour, and I got a 30-minute capacity.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

Right, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

But some of us we do, we sign up for the hour, knowing we only got 30 minutes left in the tank, and we trying to figure out can we push the last 30 minutes on fumes? Y'all in y'all cars, yeah. You like, I got it say 30 miles is in here, and it's only 10. Right. I definitely get that. Absolutely. So under it's capacity doesn't mean done, it just means this is my limit. Like this is it. And being okay with it.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yes, I don't need your permission for my capacity levels. Period.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Yeah. And it seems like for me, it seems like the older we get, the more we kind of are in tune with realizing that.

Helping Teens Resist Social Pressure

SPEAKER_01 20:18

For the younger women, especially teenagers, like you said, you have a 14-year-old, I have an 18-year-old daughter. How do you help? Are you able to help them? You know what's so your daughter?

SPEAKER_00 20:31

You know what's so funny? Yes. But it's interesting because lately the younger girls have been hitting up my DMs on IG because they're like, yo, I need to, I'm 23. Help, help, wait. Yeah. Like, because you don't want to be 40, just figuring it out.

SPEAKER_01 20:49

Right. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

That's so, yes, the principle matters no matter what age you're at, because it's not about, it's not like, oh, in order in order to start self-discovery, you gotta be 40 years old. That is not the requirement, right?

SPEAKER_01 21:03

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

No, my daughter is 14 and she needs to know who the heck she is. Period. Yeah. Because when you walk out these doors, who you are is all that matters.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

You can't go to a schoolhouse and not know who you are. That's why you get in peer-pressured events because you don't know who you are. Right. And you're allowing the friends that's around you to kind of dictate what you should be doing.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Right. And you said at how long ago was your divorce now? I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

Ooh, it's 10 years now. 10 years. Yeah, 35 years old is when I discovered who the heck I was. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Okay. So tell tell us a little bit about that, Tammy. So is that what started you got kind of pushed you into coaching, or were you already a therapist?

SPEAKER_00 21:50

So I've I've been a therapist since 2004. But um so yes, the the therapy thing was my natural gift from God. Say thank you to him. Him, not to me. But, you know, I've been doing therapy for a very long time. The ability to talk to people and actually connect with them started when I was a teenager. I originally wanted to be a pediatrician. My godfather is a pediatrician, and it was like, oh, you can take over my practice. You know, I mean, I was in the medical field like since five, like working in the office, learning about all the different medical terminology, et cetera. Then I got to college and I was like, oh, this psychology class fits right up my all this makes sense. Right. You know, where I'm struggling with biology because I don't really care for that. I just care about the medical practice of medicine. I didn't care about the like all the details. I just wanted to do, I just wanted to tell the kids if they had pneumonia or not. You know what I mean? Like this is but when I got to college and started to understand, like, oh no, this is natural. This is like this makes sense. Like one plus one is two, you know, and understanding how the mind works and all of that good stuff. So I switched my major from bio pre-med to psych pre-med.

SPEAKER_03 23:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

And I was like, okay, this is you know, this is what we're doing. You know, my people was like, you can still be a doctor, go be a doctor, be a psychiatrist. You can still get that MD, go, you know. And then I learned that MD psychiatry was not for me because I don't want to sit and just write a script for somebody and talk to them for 15 minutes. I wanted to be able to have real dialogue, real behavioral change. So going that route was not an option, you know. So that's how I got into the field itself. The coaching stuff came because when women are seeing that you're changing and that things are moving different, and you're understanding how to stand in your own and not be so concerned about people pleasing others and worried about what they think and how they feel, and you can share your story and not have any shame behind it. And they're like, How are you able to do that? Because I know me, because I got to know me, because I started having a relationship with me. And I understood that every relationship that I allow that I invite into my life has to have a blueprint of how it's handled, and I have to start with me. Right. My Bible said, Love my neighbor as I love myself, which means I needed to love me first. Absolutely. Oh gosh, I love hearing that. So that's kind of like how it happened. And it was like, Oh, what are you doing? Oh, yeah. So, and then I would talk to people and I would just give them the little slogans that I'm living by, and they're like, Oh, I need to live by that. But but but how do I believe that that's true? And how do I, you know, the the question is always, what are the people around me gonna do and say when I make the change? I said, and I always tell people if the people say they love you and you are changing and growing for the better of you, for a better version of you, and they have a problem with it, they don't love you.

SPEAKER_01 25:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

So guess who needs to go? They do. What if it's my mama? Bye-bye. Right, correct. Her position doesn't qualify her to stay and interrupt your change and your progress. Unfortunately, she'll learn the hard way. Absolutely. Bye-bye. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, there is a thing called loving people from a distance. Doesn't mean you hate her, doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means she does not have permission to be front row in your life. Put her in the balcony and wave from afar.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Yeah. And I like that you said to start journaling, because I think for some of the women who say exactly that is what are other people gonna think? They're so focused on others and what they're seeing again on social media. That might be the best way for them to see themselves. Because I also feel what I tell some of my clients is to also record yourself. If you don't feel like journaling, record yourself and then listen to it a day from now, a week from now, a month from now. And then it's kind of like you're healing yourself, you're seeing what was wrong with what once you re-hear yourself say that, you might be like, Well, girl, why on earth were you thinking that way? You know what I mean? So it's as far as speaking to younger women, that's where I think I, when I'm speaking to my daughter, that's where I kind of get confused because it's like I don't know how to make them kind of go out from the appearance and what everybody else around them thinks. So, what are your suggestions on that when speaking?

SPEAKER_00 26:51

Actually, when the younger kids, you just ask them the question, why does your friend's thoughts and advice matter to you?

SPEAKER_01 26:58

It's not even friends, it's just anybody, everybody, even social media.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Why does that matter to you? Where whatever whatever the disconnect is that you see, right? If it's that they are always referencing so-and-so from TV, why does she matter to you? How does she affect you? Yeah, you know, will you meet her tomorrow? Will she tell you, good job? You know, that outfit looks really cute, right? Will she like how is she what role does she play? What role does he play? And getting them to really sit and think about it from the reality, right? We understand everybody else is doing it. You're not everybody else, right? Everybody's not coming to you when something goes wrong. Something goes left, you you're gonna handle that consequence by yourself, right? Something go right, you're gonna reap all them rewards by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

So it's not just about things not being great or or you know, them being bad or amazing, it's really about you.

Parenting For Independence And Trust

SPEAKER_00 28:12

So another way you can do it is even when it comes, and I'm looking up the kids, but even when it comes to my kids, they don't I don't make decisions for them. Yeah, and I'm the mama, yeah. Uh-huh. Right? My son is 17, he graduates this upcoming school year. Last year, we stopped the permission phase of parenting. And everybody says, What? What you mean you stopped the permission phase? I stopped the permission phase because I need him to be an adult, right? But I need him to be an adult in a space that I can see it, in a space that I can put my hands on it. Him going to college and that being his first time being an adult, his first time making a decision that his mother don't have an option to say something about is problematic. He has no nothing surrounding him for protection at all, right? No, like, can I, mom, you know, I'm I'm gonna do X, Y, and Z. This is why I'm gonna do it. Can you provide your opinion on it? Oh, sure, you want my opinion? Great. This is what I would do if I was blah blah blah blah blah. And this is my why. He wants to go hang out with his friends. You don't have to come say, Mom, can I go hang out with my friends? It's hey, mom, I'm about to go to X, Y, and Z house, I'll be back at this time. Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_01 29:45

Yep. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 29:48

That's how I am with my daughter. You have to provide space for them to actually be. Correct. You can never overprotect them in a way that says, I got it all.

unknown 29:59

Right.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

You don't. You have to allow them to explore and and find them all their own self and have and come to you with the real conversation, right? Because I sit and talk to them. Oh, okay, you watching X, Y, and Z. What's interesting about that? Let me in your world, like a lot of times we are just dictating their world versus joining it versus being a part of it. So I know I get it. I know we're gonna be a part of your world, right? Because I need to see you from you, I don't need to see you from the one I want you to be.

SPEAKER_01 30:33

Yeah, and how many children do you have, Tammy?

SPEAKER_00 30:37

Two, one son, one daughter.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Nice, okay, nice. And how's this been for them? Just seeing their mother just thriving, being a coach and your relationship. Oh, they love it. Just balance it all.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

They love it, actually. Yes, their thing is really like if mommy's not happy, nobody's happy, right? And I tell clients that all the time your happiness affects your children, correct? Because kids do what they see, not what you say, right? So is the other thing is modeling the behavior, right? You want her to see that she's about that it should be about her, make your life about you, yes, yep. You know, and she can see like, oh wait, that that didn't like phase her, like she's not worried about what the other people are saying, she's doing what she wants to do when she's able to see you like share a story with no shame, right? Tell her a story with no shame, even though it may be something that was shameful, like you would be like, Oh girl, right? Why tell my mama this when I did it? But yeah, let's let's talk about it. Yeah, let's talk about it. You said why tell her when I did it, but yeah, you know, because it gives them the space to feel comfortable to be themselves at all times, right? You should never be shameful. There's nothing you could ever do that'll make me stop loving you.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Absolutely, yes.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

I love that, yes, you know, it doesn't matter. I will tell you straight up you do something that causes harm to somebody else. I am turning you in, but my love didn't stop, right?

SPEAKER_01 32:33

Absolutely, keep it real, yes. I'm gonna turn you in, but yes, keeping it real.

No Is A Sentence Plus Webinar

SPEAKER_01 32:50

Oh my goodness. So, Tammy, what is one or two pieces of advice that you can definitely get that to that you carry with you that can definitely be beneficial for the listeners as well?

SPEAKER_00 33:02

The first advice is no is a sentence, period. It has a period behind it, no question marks, and doesn't not require any explanation.

SPEAKER_01 33:12

Oh, that's strong, that's powerful.

SPEAKER_00 33:14

Yes, like period. If I say no, it's no, yeah, and and I don't need to tell you why. If I tell you why, I count it a privilege, yeah, right. Like, but I'm not telling you why. Yeah, no is a sentence.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

I love that. And how can the listeners get in contact with you?

SPEAKER_00 33:35

So, all platforms, I'm under Coach Tammy Nicole as far as like social media. If you have questions or you're interested in coaching, you can send me an email at coaching at iamtammy Nicole.com. And you know, come join us. I actually have a webinar called Why Am I Like This? Every Thursday at 6 p.m. starting next week on the 23rd. This webinar is all about the three emotional triggers that put us in places of why am I like this? Why do I keep responding to this person? Why do I keep allowing these things to take place? Why am I like this? Why do I stay in place need to have exited a long time ago?

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Right. Ooh, that sounds and when is that?

SPEAKER_00 34:26

You said every Thursday, every Thursday at six o'clock Eastern.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

I was gonna say what time, okay, six six p.m. Eastern every Thursday.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

Yes, and you can find that link in my bio on all my social media platforms. You can also get to the link at stan.store backslash I am Tammy Nicole.

SPEAKER_01 34:49

Okay, and then I'll also put all of the show notes. Yeah, I'll put it all in the show notes as well. But other than that, did you have anything else to add?

SPEAKER_00 34:59

I mean, that's really it.

Self Love Blueprint And Closing

SPEAKER_00 35:01

You know, my slogan of life is to love yourself so much that the love from others is a bonus because self-love is the blueprint, right? That is the model I live by. I also always encourage people to get a model for your life. Okay. If a business can have a mission statement, you can too. Right. Yes. So have a model. You are your own brand. You are you. Have a model that you live by.

SPEAKER_03 35:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 35:32

Because if you don't have a model you live by, you live by everybody else's instruction.

SPEAKER_01 35:39

Yeah, I love that. Have your own model.

SPEAKER_00 35:43

Have your own model. Because if your model says that these are the things that you do, when somebody brings something to you that does not align to that model, you don't do it.

SPEAKER_01 35:54

Right. Right. Yes. Oh my gosh. That's huge. That's big. And everything that's to you, and everything that's presented to you, you don't have to take.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

No. It aligns for you in that moment. What do I live by? What is my standard?

SPEAKER_03 36:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

And if you don't have a standard, what moments to say, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything. Yeah, you'll fall for anything. Yeah, absolutely. And that's why. Because you don't have nothing you're standing up for. And that stance needs to be the model that you live by. Yeah. I'll never forget being young. You know, I used to always I went to Clark Atlanta University, and their school motto is find a way or make one. I live by that model. Right. Yeah. Everything I want to do in life, I'm going to find a way or make one because I want X, Y, and Z to happen. You have to have something you live by. Period. Yeah. And it has to be rooted. And you don't get there until you discover who you are, till you do the self-awareness, till you do the self-forgiveness, till you understand capacity, till you sit and become healthy. It's not just about weight loss. It's about saying that my body matters.

SPEAKER_01 37:19

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:20

Tell your body how it needs to function. The best version of you, what does that body look like? And it's not about doing what society says, it's not about being in a size eight or what have you. It's does she eat well? Right. Does she work out?

SPEAKER_03 37:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:43

Set yourself an ideal version of you and walk out that ideal version. But if you don't even know what that ideal version is, you're gonna stay stuck in the one you got.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Absolutely. I love that. That was very powerful. But thank you so much, Tammy, for your time and sharing your wisdom with us as well.

SPEAKER_00 38:06

It has been a pleasure.

SPEAKER_01 38:08

No problem. And again, everyone, I'm Robin Black. This is It's All About Healing Podcast. Everyone, stay blessed.